


Just a Four Letter Word

by Madalynn_Bohemia



Series: Life Worth Living [4]
Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Amazing Relationships, Awkwardness, Ellie/Joel - Freeform, First Kiss, Infected, Love, Not even kidding this time Ellie/Joel, Romantic Comedies, Tommy the matchmaker, Underage - Freeform, Violence, bad relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-22
Updated: 2013-07-22
Packaged: 2017-12-21 01:40:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/894300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madalynn_Bohemia/pseuds/Madalynn_Bohemia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ellie is getting older, so she's also getting curious. How is Joel supposed to respond when she starts asking him to explain about love?</p>
<p>Post game fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just a Four Letter Word

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I was nervous about posting, because this fic definitely crosses from black and white into some major gray area. Yes I know Joel is "old", and Ellie is very very young. Like very young. I get it. Keep in mind, this is a work of fiction, and I had to get it out there. It's not even that bad compared to some other stuff I've read on this site. Trust me. Please direct all your possible outraged comments below, and enjoy.

Ellie snorted again for what was probably the tenth time that night.

"We can leave if you want." Joel offered. He had no desire to stay anyways.

"Not a chance." Ellie denied, amusement laced in her tone. "I want to see how this ends."

Joel sighed, resigned to his fate. By all rights he should leave. This was awkward enough already.

They were seated on a grassy hill, blanket beneath them, eyes fixed to the movie that was playing. On nice nights like these, Tommy always thought it best to project the movie on the side of a white wall outside. 

"Just like the old drive in movie theaters." He would say in explanation. It beat being cooped up inside with everybody else. If Joel had to pick between two evils, he preferred it this way. The more open space, the better. 

Still, he would much rather be back in their room, away from everyone.

Ellie laughed, throwing torn bits of grass in front of her, as if throwing them at the movie itself. She was shushed by several people for her trouble.

"You're ruining it for everyone." Joel warned quietly, but Ellie's smile didn't waver. 

"Is this what it was really like? I mean, before the world went to shit. Is this how it happened?"

"How what happened?" Joel asked, not wanting to have this conversation. Ellie looked peeved that he was choosing to play ignorant.

"Falling in love."

The movie in question was what was once referred to as a romantic comedy. It was nice to know that even after a twenty year absence, Joel still found that he hated the genre.

"No. God no." He answered, and then had to rethink. "Maybe. I don't know." He finally settled on. "I'm not exactly an...expert." He finished lamely.

Ellie snorted again, making it eleven times and counting.

"So what, you were never in love?"

Joel sighed in frustration. He really did not want to be having this conversation.

"Once. I thought I was. A long time ago."

"What happened?"

"I was young, and stupid and that's a terrible combination."

Ellie pursed her lips, eyes narrowing in thought. "How did you meet? Did you save her from a terrible fate?"

"No."

"Share the same cab?"

"No."

"Pick up her left behind shoe after she ran away from you?"

"What in the hell- No. None of that. We went to school together."

Ellie looked him up and down. "How boring." She said in disappointment before turning back to the screen.

"We can't all have romantic movie encounters." Joel mumbled, motioning towards the still-playing monstrosity.

Ellie shrugged. "So what's it like in real life then?" She asked suddenly, eyes fixed on the film.

"What's what like?"

"Falling in love." Joel turned to look at her, and Ellie's eyes met his. He gave her a pointed frown.

"What? I really want to know." She defended indignantly.

"Can't you read about it in one of your books?" Joel demanded, very much trying to deflect.

Ellie scoffed. "I'd rather hear your take on it."

"Why would you ever want to?" Joel asked in mild curiosity. Ellie's eyes bore into his.

"Because your opinion matters."

Silence followed her declaration and Joel suddenly had a realization. Ellie never grew up in his time. She grew up in a sick world, where things like love were put on the back burner as not important. It had never been explained to her. Joel took a deep breath in, trying to find the words to answer.

"Well...it's a...it's complicated. It isn't an easy feeling to describe." He admitted.

"Try." Ellie asked softly, hand going back to pulling up grass by the stems.

Joel searched himself for an appropriate analogy.

"Falling in love is like...losing your mind." That probably wasn't the best he could come up with.

Both of Ellie's finely shaped brows rose at that statement. "How?" Was all she asked, and Joel took another deep breath in.

"Love takes over everything else." He starts, searching for the rest of an explanation. 

"You're no longer who you usually are, and instead, you become this complete stranger. You find yourself doing, thinking, and saying things you never would before. You can't eat or sleep, because it has already consumed you. It's your every thought, feeling, and conversation. Every time you open your mouth you talk about it. It twists you up inside and doesn't let you go until you can finally be with that other person. 

"And when you can finally be together, you know that there is nothing in the world that can pull you apart again. It's knowing that you'll kill for that person. Die for that person, because they are your life now. They are what makes life worth living." Joel paused, taking in another deep breath. "See what I mean by complicated?"

Ellie was looking at him with a strange expression. "It sounds terrible." She whispered, and this time it was Joel's turn to chuckle. 

"It is." He answered, "Especially if you find your feelings to be one-sided."

Ellie stared at him a moment longer before turning back to the movie. "This is horrible acting." She said changing the subject, once more throwing grass. 

"The worst." Joel agreed with a smile.

"I guess we can take comfort in the fact that they probably all died a gruesome death." Ellie whispered, and it was Joel's turn to snort.

"That is an awful thing to say." He accused, fighting not to laugh.

"You were thinking it." Ellie countered, throwing grass at him, and Joel pushed her shoulder so she fell on her side, clutching her stomach as she laughed. 

They were shushed many more times that night.

~*8*~

"Do you think I'll ever be able to kiss someone?"

Joel dropped the shirt he was carrying on the floor, staring wide eyed at Ellie as she sprawled out on her bed, contemplating the ceiling.

He gaped a moment, and then bent at the waist, retrieving his shirt before putting it on and pulling it over his bare chest.

"Is this about that stupid movie?" He asked, moving to settle on his bed, pulling the blankets up around him.

"It got me thinking." Ellie answered. "It's just...I'm infected. I was wondering if that kind of stuff is off the table for me. Can I kiss someone...ever? Or will I inadvertently turn them into a monster?"

It was a loaded question. One Joel wasn't prepared for.

"Nothing is certain." He answered. "But from what I've seen, the infection has to reach the bloodstream. When you bite someone, your saliva enters the blood and pumps it to the heart. So, maybe kissing is fine, because there is no bloodstream to infect."

"Maybe." Ellie said, sounding pessimistic. "Maybe not. I won't ever be able to have kids, though. I'm infected, so they'll get infected."

"Did you want to have kids?" Joel knew it was a stupid question the moment the words were out of his mouth.

"Not now. Hell no. And it seems kind of shitty to bring a kid into this world, but- I think some day, I might feel differently. And knowing that I can't...sucks."

Joel didn't want to talk about this anymore. Didn't want to see anything else taken away from her before she had the chance to try.

"Is there someone who caught your eye that made you want to know about kissing?" He asked, desperate to change the subject. Ellie looked at him pointedly before shaking her head.

"Maybe." Was all she offered, turning her back to him to face the wall. Joel sighed, in both relief and worry.

"But I would rather never kiss someone, then risk putting them in danger." Ellie whispered, and Joel's eyes stared at her hair, shimmering in the artificial light.

"Sounds a lot like love." Joel whispered before turning off the lamp.

~*8*~

Joel's on wall duty with Tommy, scouting the perimeter beyond the safety of their little town. Everything is quiet, as it usually is, but Joel's been frowning for the better part of an hour, itching for something to kill because he's in one of those moods, and it's rolling off of him in waves. Tommy's been keeping his mouth shut admirably, but he finally snaps.

"Something on your mind?" He asks, and Joel flinches, the break in the silence catching him off guard.

"No, it's nothing." He answers back automatically, and Tommy actually chuckles.

"Nah, I know you better than that. The least you can do is come up with a better lie." He insults and Joel sighs. Maybe he should talk about it.

"It's Ellie." 

"As it usually is." Tommy responds offhandedly. Only Ellie can throw his controlled brother into utter chaos.

"She's been asking a lot of questions lately."

"About what?" Tommy inquires when Joel doesn't elaborate.

"About...love." Joel answers, feeling the word grit in his teeth.

Tommy actually has the rude indecency to laugh.

"She's been asking you?" He repeats, somehow finding that even more amusing. "You are probably the worst person she could've asked." He gets out between chuckles. This frustrates Joel to no end.

"Don't you think I know that? I just...I don't know what to tell her. And I'm the only one she trusts."

Tommy sobers up at that last part, becoming more serious again. 

"Look," he says, running a hand through his hair sheepishly, "it's normal. She's at that age where she's gonna be curious. There are no right or wrong answers as long as you let her know there's nothing to be ashamed of. To be careful."

Joel nods along in understanding, but the truth is he feels more lost. "She's infected, Tommy." He feels the need to say, as if his brother could forget. "She'll never have a normal life. Never be able to do things others take for granted. How am I supposed to tell her that she can't? How do I help her deal with it?"

Tommy puts a reassuring hand on his shoulder, squeezing in comfort. 

"All you have to do is be there. You mean the world to her, man. Just be there for her. Let her know there is nothing that makes her lacking just because she may or may not be able to do things others can. She's alive, and you have each other. Trust me, that's more than enough for her. I can tell."

Joel allows his brother's words to comfort him, but he doesn't feel his conviction. He isn't so sure. Will it be enough? Will he be enough?

"Speaking of love and such," Tommy starts, mood brightening. "I just so happen to know that there is a lady here that has taken an interest in you."

"What?" Joel starts, genuinely shocked and not knowing what to do with the information. "Who?"

"Lenore." Tommy admits, giving him that look like it's the best thing in the world. "You remember her, right?"

"Yeah," Joel admits, "she was on that hunting party with me."

"Apparently she can't stop talking about you since you saved her from that clicker a few weeks back."

Joel suddenly cracks a smile, thinking of his earlier conversation with Ellie. "I saved her from a terrible fate." He mumbles, and Tommy quirks a brow in confusion.

"What?"

"Nothing." Joel answers, shaking his head. "Just something about stupid romantic comedies."

"So anyway," Tommy presses on. "you should ask her to dinner. Get to know each other."

Joel's already shaking his head.

"I don't know if that's such a good idea. I haven't done the whole relationship thing in more than three decades and I'm okay with that. Honestly."

Tommy doesn't look convinced.

"When I met Maria, I had no idea how much my life had been empty. She makes me feel whole. I know how stupid that sounds, but it's true. I just want you to find that same happiness again."

Joel is confused, because he knows exactly what Tommy is talking about. His life had felt like it was always lacking something. He used to amount it to losing Sarah, but that wasn't completely it. But ever since Ellie came crashing into his life violently and without any permission from him, he hasn't felt that way anymore. He feels...complete. Content. Even happy.

"I have everything I need." He answers stubbornly, and Tommy sighs. 

"Fine, then just think of it as making a friend. Just try to get to know the others. You and Ellie could stand to make some new relationships with people other than yourselves."

Joel doesn't want to have this conversation again. Ellie and him are private people. They don't trust easily and who gives a shit if they prefer each others company to that of anybody else. But he also doesn't want to argue. 

"Fine." He concedes. "I'll try to be friendly."

Tommy beams like he's won a battle.

And Joel kind of feels like he's lost one.

~*8*~

Lenore is nice. She's not wild like his wife Susan was, and she doesn't have that commanding spark that Tess embodied. She's just...nice.

She's quiet and shy, yet she's good, sweet, and brave. She had volunteered to scavenge for food with the hunting party after all. Joel likes her, he does, it's just...awkward.

"So," Lenore starts, pushing her hair behind her ear again, "tell me more about yourself. All I really know is that Tommy's your brother, and you have a daughter, right?"

Had, Joel want's to say. He had a daughter. 

"No." Is all that comes out instead. Lenore looks deeply confused.

"But that little girl that's always with you-"

"Ellie isn't my daughter." Joel interrupts, because he doesn't like seeing all the questions floating across her brow.

"Oh." Lenore says, as if she gets it, but she doesn't. "Are you two distant relatives?"

"No." Joel answers simply, and Lenore looks frustrated now.

"Then what are you? Her Guardian?"

Now Joel is confused, because he doesn't know how to explain this. How does he explain what Ellie is to him when Ellie is everything?

"She's mine to look after." He answers. "And Ellie looks after me." It doesn't cover even a fraction of their relationship, but it'll have to do. Lenore only looks skeptical with his answer, and Joel doesn't know how to put her at ease. He can see how it must look. A man and a little girl. He's old enough to be Ellie's grandfather. They have no familial ties, and yet they cling to each other. Refuse to let anyone else in.

He knows how it looks and he doesn't care.

After that, Lenore changes the subject, and Joel is grateful.

~*8*~

Ellie's been in a bad mood lately, and Joel has no idea why. The teenage moodiness is taking hold of her, and she gets fired up about the most inane things. 

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Joel ask from the door, leaning against the frame with his exhaustion.

"Why don't you go talk to someone else. You're good at that."

And that's it, right there.

Joel's been talking to Lenore lately, at Tommy's advisement. He likes having someone his age to talk to besides his brother, but if he's honest with himself, there's no one he'd rather talk to more than Ellie. She gets him. She understands. And the fact that she's smarter than a library and has a better sense of humor than a comedian helps. She's just more fun to be around, and Joel's found that he likes fun again. Being happy can be like an addiction, and Ellie makes him happy.

Joel moves into the room and sits beside her on her bed. Ellie looks up at him in surprise. He's never encroached on her space like this before. 

"You don't like the fact that I'm talking to Lenore." He puts out there, and Ellie looks angry and ashamed all at once.

"It's okay." Joel assures her. "I understand how that would make you angry, believe me, I do. But, we're just friends."

Ellie rolls her eyes and looks away. "I see the way she looks at you. I may be young, Joel, but I'm not stupid. She wants to be more."

"And that bothers you?" Joel asks, trying to get the facts straight.

Ellie sighs in frustration. "No. I don't know. Maybe. It shouldn't, but it does. And the way she looks at me. Like I'm an inconvenience, in the way-" 

"Has she said anything to you?" Joel asks, suddenly angry at the very idea.

"What? No. It's just the feeling I get from her. Like she's pretending to like me."

Joel frowns down at his hands. He hadn't thought about this before.

"No one is going to replace you." He assures. "Not ever. You're stuck with me, remember?"

Ellie looks up at him, but her smile is still sad, and her green eyes are too bright. It looks like a lie when she nods, and Joel suddenly feels like he has to prove it to her. 

He just doesn't know how.

~*8*~

Joel is working in the engine room, and unsurprisingly, Tommy has put Lenore on the same shift. She's doing more talking then working, though, watching the muscles in Joel's arms shift while he turns valves and checks temperatures. She's being less subtle about her interest in him.

"I've been thinking, and I want you to introduce me to Ellie. I think we should all have dinner together."

Joel wipes the sweat from his brow, his teeth biting into his lower lip.

"I'm not so sure that's a good idea. She doesn't take well to other people, and she's a pretty complicated kid to understand." Well, to anyone other than him at least.

"You think she wont like me?" Lenore asks, looking just this side of hurt.

"What? No, I didn't say that-"

"Then it's settled. We'll have dinner."

Joel hates the way she can twists things around on him like that. All women have that gift. At least every single one he's ever encountered. His mother, Susan, Tess. Ellie doesn't resort to those tricks. She just calls his bullshit and makes him own up to it. No need for games.

"Fine." Joel hears himself agreeing. "But instead of dinner, how about we all watch a movie together this Friday?" 

Lenore compromises, and Joel sighs in relief. At least at a movie Ellie wont be forced to talk much if she doesn't have to.

~*8*~

It's awkward. Actually, it passed awkward about twenty minutes ago and stretched into borderline unbearable. They're seated on the grass, watching another God forsaken romantic comedy, and who is even in charge of picking these movies anyway? Joel is seated in the middle, acting as some kind of buffer or shield between Ellie and Lenore. 

Lenore keeps making a move to grab Joel's hand, and every time she does Joel can see Ellie's eyes tracking the movement, and she tenses even more, hand going up to fiddle with the arrowhead around her neck. He had told her they were only friends, and that's what he had thought, but Lenore's been getting more aggressive, so after awhile he stops fighting the inevitable and just lets her take his fucking hand.

It's a mistake, because when he does Ellie shifts away from him, a look of betrayal barely hidden on her face. She's scrunched up like a cat getting ready to pounce and Joel wants to comfort her. He wants to take his hand away from Lenore and wrap it around Ellie's shoulders; which have started to shiver with the cold.

He knows he shouldn't do that. He shouldn't want to do that, but he does. Comforting Ellie has become second nature to him. It's instinct now. It wouldn't have seemed so weird before. Before Ellie asked about love and kissing and before Lenore had demanded he defined his relationship with a little girl who wasn't biologically his. But Ellie is his, in every way that counts, and she used to know that he was hers, but Lenore has managed to put a wrench in her confidence. 

Joel tenses like a board when Lenore puts her head on his shoulders, and he hears Ellie's stuttered breath beside him.

Ellie gets up, dusting dirt and grass off her worn jeans, and Joel turns to look at her, jostling Lenore's head on his arm.

"Where are you going?" He asks softly, trying to be considerate of the others around him still watching the movie.

"You were right." Ellie says with a bit of a hurt sneer in her voice. "Romantic comedies are nauseating." And with that she turns to Lenore with a sickly sweet smile on her face that Joel has never seen before. It looks like Jealousy and childish hatred.

"It was nice to meet you, Lenore. Sorry to bail out early, but I hope to see more of you. Maybe we can do each others hair sometime. You know, girl stuff."

Lenore doesn't know how Ellie's pretending to be friendly because she doesn't know Ellie at all, so she beams at Ellie's suggestion and nods.

"I would really love that! We'll definitely have a girl's night."

Ellie's smile widens, and she looks pointedly at Joel before stalking off.

"Don't let her anywhere near you hair." Joel warns, but Lenore just snuggles into his side even more, ignoring his words. Joel mentally shrugs.

It's her own fault if she doesn't heed his warning.

~*8*~

Lenore starts talking about Ellie. At first she's patient, trying to make Joel see things her way, but then she gets insistent.

"She should be in school, with others her age. She has no friends. She doesn't talk to anyone other than you or Tommy or Maria. She has no one her own age to relate to."

Lenore is right, of course. She should be in school. She should have friends other than Joel. But she doesn't and Joel finds he doesn't mind.

"It's her decision." He answers, and that makes Lenore mad.

"It isn't. She's a child, you're the adult. You need to start setting up rules."

Joel laughs at that, because the only rule Ellie had been able to follow on the road was stay alive, watch his back, and do what he said in order to be able to carry out the first two rules.

"What's so funny." Lenore demands.

"Ellie's gonna do whatever Ellie wants to do. I can't stop her." 

"Then she's out of control." Lenore accuses, and that makes Joel angry.

"You don't know her. You don't know what she's been through, what she's had to do in order to get here. There is nothing wrong with her. She is fine the way she is. I see no need to try and change her."

"That's just it." Lenore says sadly. "You're so blinded by your affection for her you don't see how wrong this is. Every time she opens her mouth, she's cussing up a storm. She's only fifteen! She's blunt and rude and you don't teach her otherwise, that it's not okay to talk to her elders that way! You give her no discipline! And; I don't know, maybe it's because your not even her father, and it makes you feel like you can let things slide, but that just makes it even more strange.

"You two aren't even related yet you're so dangerously co-dependent on each other that it's starting to make me think-"

"Don't." Joel warns, anger escaping passed his gritted teeth. He's so furious he's shaking. None of this was called into question before. There was nothing strange or weird about his relationship with Ellie until it was carelessly brought into the light like this. Like it needed validation. Like it was something dirty. Something to be ashamed of.

"You do not have any idea what you are talking about." Joel says very slowly. "You have no say in what Ellie does, or what I do, and you do not get to question what she means to me. It is none of your business. You also don't get to tarnish that relationship just because you cannot comprehend it, do you understand? Back off."

Lenore looks hurt and angry, but her pride tries to hide it.

"I think you should leave." Joel says softly, calming down just enough to be civil, "And I don't think we should see each other anymore."

Lenore quietly grabs her things and heads to the door. She turns, as if she's about to say something, but Joel bares his teeth and watches in satisfaction as she flinches.

Lenore gathers her courage and ignores his threatening look.

"There can be no happiness in what you two have, you know that, right?"

Joel grins at her out of spite. "Ellie is the only one who does make me happy." He tells her, shutting the door in her face. 

Ellie is hiding around the corner, stunned after hearing the entire exchange. Her heart is hammering in her chest, and slowly, she allows herself to smile.

~*8*~

Joel is back in the engine room when he hears the alarm blare. He drops everything, hand going for his gun.

Someone has gotten through the wall. They haven't had trouble with bandits for months, but still, he's instantly pumped with adrenaline, and the excitement of the fight of flight instinct.

Joel rushes out of the building, and everyone is out in the open, all running towards the danger or away from it. Joel ignores them. He runs to Ellie.

She's usually at the library during this hour. Looking for some new book to lose herself in. Joel prays she's still there.

Everyone around him is in a panic. Shots go off, and he forces his legs faster. He has to get to her. 

The library is in sight. Just over the bridge, but the scene before him stops him cold. 

There, damn near in the center of the bridge, is Ellie. A forgotten book on the ground after landing where she dropped it.

She has a gun to her temple, and a bandit behind her, nose nuzzling into her throat.

Joel sees red. No one is allowed to touch Ellie that way. To threaten her. To hurt her. He advances forward.

The bandit takes note of his presence and jerks his head up. Eyes fixed on him. Gun pointed at him. Good. 

He's so busy with Joel that he doesn't notice Ellie's hand scrambling in her pocket, pulling out her butterfly knife. He doesn't notice until the knife is buried in his eye.

His gun goes off, but it's nowhere near Joel or Ellie to be threatening. He's screaming in agony now, not dead yet, and Joel moves forward to get Ellie out of danger. 

It's too late. The bandit barrels into Ellie, and they both go over the railing of the bridge, down into the water below.

"Ellie!" Joel screams, jumping in after her. He's taught her the basics of swimming, but she's still not confident in the water, and what if the current is too strong?

Joel's body cuts through the surface with a splash, and he's immediately searching, eyes open and alert. He sees her, about twenty yards away.

The bandit is holding onto her ankle, not allowing her to surface for air. She's fighting him, but getting weaker every second. 

Joel swims to her side in an instant, putting pressure on the other man's hand until he's forced to let her go. Joel holds his head, forcefully removing Ellie's knife from his eyes. The bandit screams, opening his mouth and letting in more water and his own blood, drowning slowly. It's not enough.

Joel winds back his arm. The water doesn't give him any momentum so he's forced to push until the knife is buried in the man's other eye. More blood stains the water, flowing and dissipating.

Again, Joel removes the knife and pockets it in his jeans. Ellie will want it back...

Ellie.

Joel looks around for her, and his heart stops when he finds her. She's suspended in water nearby, having refused to go to the surface without him. Her eyes are closed, and she's not breathing. 

Shit.

Joel's arm grabs her about the waist, pulling her up with him towards the surface. He pulls her body onto the shore, trying desperately not to think about another time much like this one, when he dragged her lifeless body out of the water, only to have her taken from him.

"Ellie!" He demands when they're safely on shore. "Ellie!" He yells again, slapping at her cheeks. There is no response. 

Joel starts chest compressions, forcing her heart to beat for her. He leans down, mouth covering over hers, sloppy and wet. He can taste the river water, her saliva, his warm breath bouncing back at him as he breathes into her, feels her chest rise momentarily, and he can hear her words as clear as day.

_"Do you think I'll ever be able to kiss someone? It's just...I'm infected. Can I ever really kiss someone, or will I inadvertently turn them into a monster?"_

Joel doesn't know if what he's doing right now is enough to infect him, but he doesn't care, so long as he gets Ellie breathing again. And he realizes...

That sounds a lot like love.

Joel sits back up, puts his hands back on her chest and repeats the process. He's breathing into her again when she begins to cough up water. He backs off, helps her turn onto her side to get it all out of her, but she bolts upright, clinging to him, buried in his arms while she retches up more water. 

Joel gently moves the hair out of her face.

"You're alright baby girl. I got you." He soothes, cupping her cheeks in his hand. He can't help it. He leans down and kisses her. It's soft and chaste. Not a kiss of desire, passion or lust. It's not even a kiss of affection. It's a kiss of validation. Because he knows that he loves her and he knows he almost lost her. Could still lose her to God knows whatever else is in store for them, but he has to hold onto her. Can't do anything else. 

It's suddenly important to show her how much she means to him. Because it's beyond words or actions or feelings. It beyond what's moral. What's right or wrong. It's everything. She is everything. Ellie's lips press back against his own eyes squeezed shut like she's in pain, and maybe she is. Whether it's the burning in her lungs or just the overwhelming sense of how much she feels for Joel, who's to say. 

Joel eases her back, hands still fussing with her hair and Ellie nods like he's said something profound.

"I understand." She says, voice raspy, and Joel's eyes begin to water and he feels so proud of her. God he loves this kid so much.

"Understand what?" He whispers.

"You." She answers, fingers tracing his jaw. He kissed a fifteen-year old. Took her first fucking kiss and God, that sounds wrong, he's a bad man. But they go beyond anything sexual. They go beyond father and daughter, man and child. They just...fit. It's not about lust and skin or affection and parental worry. It's about not being able to breathe without each other. 

"Is this what you were talking about?" She presses, her fingers going over her bottom lip now. "Love?"

Joel shakes his head.

"I'm not sure what this is." He admits. "But I think love doesn't even begin to cover it."

Ellie smiles. Her hands wrapping around him, bringing herself closer in his arms. She's exhausted. 

"I think I know what you mean." She says into his chest, and Joel picks her up, and carries her to safety.

~*8*~

The other bandits are taken care of, and Joel makes Tommy put him in isolation. 

"Ellie's infected. I had to give her mouth to mouth. It's just a precaution." He tells his brother by way of explanation. He's smart enough to leave out the kiss, even though there was no exchanging of saliva involved. It's the principle of the matter.

Ellie had protested his confinement, but it was for her own safety. Still, she doesn't like it or appreciate his efforts. 

After two days, he still feels fine, and Tommy tells him to go with a shaky and relived hand on his shoulder. 

He goes straight to Ellie. It's already late in the evening and the stars are out. When he gets to their room, She's nestled in his bed, but she bounds up quickly, throwing her arms around his neck, and he pulls her up, hugging her tightly. 

"I guess that answers one of your questions." He says into her hair, and when he pulls back, she's actually blushing. At least Ellie can kiss whoever she wants without the fear of them getting infected. It feels like a small win, but a win none the same. 

Joel puts Ellie back on the ground, digging in his back pocket.

"I have something of yours." He watches her eyes light up when he pulls out her butterfly knife. She puts it gently on her nightstand and pulls the blanket off her bed.

"The stars are out." She says by way of explanation. "Wanna star gaze for awhile?"

Joel grins. "Sure. I think Gemini is out this time of year." Ellie looks delighted, and they both head back into the night time air.

~*8*~

Things surprisingly don't get awkward. Joel thought they would definitely get awkward, but they don't. Ellie stops asking about love and kissing, and all in all, things are back to normal. No more Lenore. No more unsubtle jealously from Ellie.

No more needing to validate their relationship.

It's just them. It's always going to be just them, against the world if needs be.

"What are you reading?" Joel asks, eyeing the title of her latest book find.

"Guess." Ellie says, covering the cover from his view.

Joel pretends to consider it. "Some epic romance maybe?" 

Ellie scoffs. "Too unrealistic." She says, as if she's now the expert, and Joel can't help but smirk. Like their relationship makes everything else pale in comparison. 

"So what are you reading then."

"Sherlock Holmes." Ellie answers, as if it should be obvious, and Joel laughs.

"Good?" He asks.

"Good." Ellie replies with a smile. 

Joel goes back to cleaning the guns, and she goes back to her book.

Everything is as it should be. He's where he belongs, as long as Ellie is there with him. It's all relative.

**Author's Note:**

> See? Was it really that bad? Comment and let me know :)


End file.
